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My Depression Story

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I randomly saw this video on Facebook and it drove me all the way to write about my story here in my blog. 

My Depression

Okay I am only 20 years old. And I know I am very young. However, when it comes to depression I think I have gone through with this thousand times. So I suppose I can talk about this? huh

I think it`s a chronic issue of me(and us indeed). In this modern society, almost everyone has depression on their ways. Main causes of my depression are relationship, and my future. I lately realized that whatever causes your depression, what actually makes you to get into the depression is yourself hiding real yourself.

I know it`s really hard to figure out who you really are. It would definitely take whole life. But you should know yourself. By aging and experiencing different kind of situations and cases, I learned myself. Also looking back my very young days does really help to find myself. Because people don`t change as much as you want. haha

I am Scorpio, just in case it can be any excuses. I just don`t like revealing my very deep secret. I mean I usually do not have any secret. But I don`t know. It`s really hard to explain. I don`t have a secret but I have. It`s like if I think it is a real secret of me then, I do not talk about it to anybody. Only me keeping the story. But it`s not really a secret! it`s actually nothing but I just don`t want to talk. ho.. hopefully one of you could feel me. For example, when I was very little, whenever my mom asked me what I am up to then I always answered 'I am doing something'. And I got annoyed when my mom got inquisitive about it. I felt like mom was invading my area. Mom usually was not like that luckily. I am very shy and unfamiliar to let out my own things to public or even friends and family. I am very glad to have a blog and a website. Because it is not a real world so I feel very comfortable and free with writing something on these.

I tend to try to be nice to everyone. Being nice is good. However, if it hurts you, it is no longer any good. I was always trying to be polite and nice. So I annoyingly can`t complain in person. You may now think I might be a bitch. Listen. If I get any annoyed by my friends, I don`t tell them. I mean if it`s just about making decision or something then I do. But when it comes to personality then I don`t really do. I am brutally straight forward sometimes(or usually haha). However somehow I can`t be straightforward about this. I guess maybe inside of me is worrying if I hurt someone to say their bad things and what they are annoying me. At the same time I think it would be only me who get stressful with what they do. But 'I' get stressful, 'I' get annoyed, and 'I' get mental by that. When I got depressed with this I talked this to mom crying. She screamed to me "What the hell are you doing. It`s your life. Why you can`t be selfish at this? It`s not about being polite or rude. You`re just dragged by them. Stop walking on eggshells! Why would you?" Then I realized that I should be living as I am. If I don`t like, I don`t like. We should say that. Being rude and polite is the next step after you say it. Be myself! That was what I got from mom`s call.

I told my friends. What happened?

I used to not talk my dark side to my friends. (I don`t really make friends who I can/'SHOULD' talk everything happened to me by the way and I don`t want to. Because I just don`t like that. That just makes gossips and rumors. And I don`t like talking too much about me.) However, at this time I thought I should really talk my depression to my friends. Because I needed my own time. I am more like an introverted person. Hence I can charge myself being alone and taking my own time at home or where else. I don`t like texting and massaging every single minutes. I actually hate that. I like to text when I have something to tell them. Anyway I told them that I was having depression and I needed my own time. Also added I`d be alright soon. They seemed to understand me and spared me time. Fortunately my flight to Korea was around the corner so I flew to Korea not seeing them before I left. In fact, I saw one of the friends at the gym randomly. It was super awkward. I was actually okay. I was alright to see her. But she got awkward!!! She thought she might annoy me for any reasons and I was not ready to see her. I was embarrassed. I regretted that I told them.(I don`t now!) Well, I can`t tell you guys confessing your depression to your friends is a good idea or not. Although I can surely say, JUST TELL THEM. If they are friends who really care of you then they will bear you. Don`t worry. They will understand you. If not, then you don`t have to get along with them. That`s simple. Don`t worry. The important is YOU, yourself.

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